I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
