my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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