it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
