I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
