So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
