you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
