Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
