im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
