3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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