i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
