I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
