Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
