remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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