guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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