He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
