I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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