he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
