The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
