Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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