i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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