if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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