i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
