I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
