phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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