dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
