You're my little dorito
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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