remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
