why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
