I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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