He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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