I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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