Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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