I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
