I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
