If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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