Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
