I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
