My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
