we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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