u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
