I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
