So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
