She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
