If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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