Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize