what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
