Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize