Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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