well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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