Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
