The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
