Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
