Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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