And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
is wine microwaveable?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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