He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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