I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
