I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
