for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
