Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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