I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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