I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
