Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
