We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
