no, he came in my armpit
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
