Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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