she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize