as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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